24.1

Not much to update today, seems life is rather uneventful from the living room couch. But I have committed myself to more frequent updates because someday I want to be able to look back and remember all this. That may sound crazy but sometimes I think it is good to reflect on the bad times so that you can truly appreciate the good days.

I haven’t felt much movement from Noah today which is always worrisome, but I have gotten a few reassuring jabs from him telling me he is ok. I sometimes think he can sense when I have had enough and he gives me a few pity kicks to calm me down.

I had the biggest leak of fluid to date. It soaked through a pad and actually required an outfit change. It was disappointing to lose all the fluid, but also nice to know that I was able to accumulate that much even if it was just for a short time.

It seems the longer I lay here the more time I have to dwell on things, which can be scary. Today I have moved past the constant baby worry after managing to stumble across a page specifically for positive pProm stories (I have managed to block out all the bad ones I read).

But my worry has been replaced with jealousy. I am jealous of all the girls that get pregnant on their first tries, I am jealous that they just assume things will go as planned, I am jealous of all the girls that get to celebrate WITH their husband and plan together to welcome another person into their family. I never got to experience those things. Granted my husband is home this pregnancy which has truly been a godsend. But instead of joyously expecting, we sit here day after day with a cell phone ready to call an ambulance when I start gushing blood, my hospital bags packed at 20 weeks and waiting to go, and the very real and gut wrenching knowledge that I have a 70% chance that after all of this, I will have a C-section that will leave me with a physical reminder forever of the child I lost. And if things really go poorly I will have a hysterectomy and will never be able to have more children.

It’s all a tough pill to swallow.

Throughout it all I feel this presence telling me not to give up though. Almost like God is whispering to put my trust in him completely. I have always been pretty independent and I felt like God gave you the skills to work hard and make life what you want it to be, so, it’s a foreign concept to sit back and let Jesus take the wheel while I do nothing but trust in him. I almost have to wonder if this isn’t all a lesson in faith. I truly have fallen into the one in a million category with everything combined, yet little Noah remains strong and grows bigger and stronger every day.

The week before all this began we named him Noah, which means “peaceful” and “long lived”. I can’t help but feel like that is a message from God to find peace in all this. I just remind myself that the worst case scenario is my sweet baby boy meets his heavenly father much sooner. It really is out of my hands now. His will be done. And if that means he calls little Noah home to him I am confident that my Lord is the master healer and will mend my heart.