6 weeks post partum

I had my 6 week postpartum appointment yesterday and I will start with the good news because I am in a kind of good mood today. He said my scar looks great, I appear to be healing up well (we will get to this in the bad news section). I can start exercising again, which is great because my Zumba kit came in the mail this morning and my sister and I are anxious to get started on it. But the very best news is when we can try again for another baby!

Apparently, we had a miscommunication which I understood to mean I had to wait a year to TTC again. I guess after a C-section he recommends 18 months between babies. Not 18 months to try again which was what I thought, but 18months between labors. So, I only need to wait 9 months from my last c-section before we can try again. And we already have almost 2 months behind us. So about 7 more months and we can get crackin' in the baby making department. It will be bittersweet but I am losing time! I know it could be worse but I wanted all my kids before I turned 28 and at this rate that will be impossible. He also said that next time I will be "red-flagged" which means more visits and we will be more pro-active to include progesterone shots and precautionary steroid shots for the baby's lungs. I am glad to hear that. I really felt like nobody was listening to me this last pregnancy when I knew something wasn't right. I got written off as a paranoid preggo in my opinion. That, or that things were so hopeless that "why bother with this one?" I am just excited to put this chapter of my life behind me and get on with happier things.

Which leads me to the bad news. Apparently when it rains it pours. After my surgery I bled for about 4 weeks then it tapered down for a week to the normal yellow color (TMI I know!! lol). Then after about 4 of 5 days of that I started getting period like cramps followed by what I assumed to be my period. And it was no joke! I bled harder this period than I did after having either of the boys. And this "period" has been going on for about 10 days now. He said this is not normal, doesn't necessarily indicate a problem but if the bleeding does not soon (completely stop, no spotting or anything) I will need to have a hysteroscopy done, possibly followed by a D&C. He thinks that because of my abruption, when it pulled away it left behind microscopic placental cells that just keep bleeding and bleeding and he will need to go in and remove them.

Just what I want, more surgery....

But, like I said, it could be so much worse and I will just focus on that --versus how screwed I feel I got in this whole scenario. I found two Bible verses this morning though that spoke to me and gave me a much needed attitude adjustment:

We often suffer , but are never crushed . Even when we don't know what to do , we never give up . In times of trouble , God is with us , and when we are knocked down , we get up again.Corinthians 4 : 8-92

Be Patient and trust the Lord . Don't let it bother you when all goes well for those who do sinful things.Psalm 37:7

Lastly, I was on the internet yesterday and I came across a song purely by chance. I just hit play on it and went back to what I was doing, only half listening to it. Imagine my surprise when I heard the following lyrics. Normally this would put me into such a funk, but it put a smile on my face and has really changed my attitude. Kind of like a little sign from the Lord (especially considering the weird chance of me finding the song the way I did).

Hello, Goodbye

Michael W. Smith

Where's the Navigator of your destiny?

Where is the Dealer of this hand?

Who can explain life and its brevity

'Cause there is nothing here that I can understand

You and I have barely met

And I just don't want to let go of you yet

Chorus:

Noah, hello, goodbye

I will see you on the other side

Noah, sweet child of mine

I will see you on the other side

And so I hold your tiny hand in mine

For the hardest thing I've ever had to face

Heaven calls for you before it calls for me

When you get there, save me a place

A place where I can share your smile

And I can hold you for more than just a while

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Upxwtz32yVE

If you're going through hell, keep going.

It seems like it's been forever since I blogged. It really feels like things are crazy around here even though they really aren't. I think it's just taking me longer than I would like to get back to normal.

I feel like I have had a bit of a "grief relapse". I had been stuck in the angry, pissed off stage for a few weeks and the last few days I have gone down a step in the "stages of grief" chart. I am back to being heartbreakingly miserable.


When I was pregnant with Noah, right around 18 weeks I had a dream. I dreamed that I had a baby. I woke up  from something (don't know why I was asleep in my dream) and I had a tiny little version of Nathan in my arms. I couldn't believe how much it looked like him. Thinking back on it I can't believe the similarities between that dream and what happened in real life.

I feel like I have been struggling more than normal lately. Anger is a major component in my life right now, along with jealousy, and it's not a pretty thing. I have been praying for relief from my ugly feelings but it would appear that I am going to have to make a bit more effort in this one. One of the biggest frustrations to me however is that I have heard so many stories of people who in their darkest hour get angry with God. They scream and they cuss and they practically taunt him to "show me what you're made of". And God grants them what they want.

To me this seems to unfair. I never wavered from the knowledge that God had a plan for me. I never looked at it as some sort of bargaining act. I just prayed for acceptance. I knew His will would be done and it was never in my hands, and I just begged the Lord to give me the strength to get through it. And my son died. That's what makes me so angry. That all these other people have a spiritual temper tantrum and their babies live. And I do what I feel is expected of me and put my faith in the Lord, and my son dies.

I imagine the Lord doesn't reward for good behavior while we are still here on earth. And maybe at the end of the day, all of the people in a rage with God were at their breaking point so God was merciful to them. He knew that David and I could weather this storm perhaps and that's why he picked us. I am just so miserable.

On the one hand I hate to complain because I know things could be so much worse. But on the other hand I want to stomp my feet and punch holes in the wall and shake my fist at someone. Not at God though. I don't know if it's that I am scared to get mad at him, or if I know deep down that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. I think it's a mix of the two. I may be frustrated beyond tears with how this worked out, but if I don't have God and the hope of his salvation, than I really have nothing. I know that this happened for a reason, I just wish so badly it would be revealed to me.

But until that day, I won't let this get the best of me. I still have two boys in my house here who I love so much! I just need to keep on keeping on.