21 weeks 6 days

Tonight I am trying to remember that trials and tribulations come with both a purpose and a reward.

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

I went for my ultrasound with the perionatologist in Neenah today. It turns out that to add to my list of pregnancy complications, I now have virtually no amniotic fluid. The amniotic fluid is critical to lung development because it’s what allows the baby to take “practice breaths” and that is how the lungs are formed. Without fluid the baby will become hypoplastic which means that the lungs and tissues never develop, or begin to and then are far too underdeveloped to ever work even with the help of a machine. Right now there is no fluid for the baby to inhale which means he is basically sitting in limbo and can’t mature at a normal pace, so even if he was born prematurely his lungs wouldn’t be developed. Babies with such limited fluid levels have a 27% chance of even being able to survive with various other medical problems, but in over 70% of babies, they will have hypoplastic lungs and will die.

The doctor gave me one of two scenarios. The first, and most hopeful one is that after my big bleed and because I have been bleeding since , there has been some damage to my placenta and it’s not working properly therefore causing the baby to get inadequate fluids and prevent him from urinating and recycling the fluids like he should. If the placenta is able to repair itself and I can super hydrate I may be able to get my fluid levels up to a point that the baby has at least something to inhale. Then we would have better than a 27% chance.

The second, and more likely scenario is that when I had that big bleed that put me in the hospital, my water broke-or sprung a leak- and with all the blood it was virtually impossible for me to detect it. If that is the case, I will not be able to build my fluid levels back up and will constantly leak them. Then the baby will be left with a 27% chance of survival. And that is only if I can make it to 29 weeks gestation before my placenta begins abrupting, which is likely what caused the premature rupture of membranes in the first place.

I go back in ten days for another ultrasound. By that point they will be able to determine the cause. I was told I would have the option to terminate at that point if I was in fact leaking fluids. I would never dream of ending this pregnancy but it’s hard to be given that option. I feel like I am being asked to pull the plug on my child and as long as there is a chance, no matter how small it is, I am going to give my little boy every chance he has.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my OB, I am hoping to possibly get some sort of more definitive answers or options or anything to help me feel proactive. Spending my days lying around on my left side chugging water to stay uber hydrated is making me feel useless.

Please continue to keep Noah in your prayers, and the rest of us as well. I feel like I am at the end of my rope lately. I have been trying to keep the faith and know it’s all bigger than me and God has a bigger plan for my life than I can see right now. But I am just mentally exhausted and beginning to grow weary so any prayers for strength and peace would be appreciated.

“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor” 1 Peter 1:6–7